Fatigue and boredom

Today I am fragile. I don't like this unnatural feeling of awakeness. Caffeine. I didn't even fall asleep on the train this morning. A bad sign, considering I would have been lucky to get 4 hours sleep last night. I'm worried about my weight: I'm certainly not gaining any. Sometimes I think that I will just fade away into nothing, or float up into the sky and disappear into space.

This job makes me so tired. I get up at 6 am and get home at 6:30 pm. In that time I spend most of the day in front of this computer screen on my own. It's like I'm becoming this disgruntled shop keeper. Kinda like Bernard from Black Books. I find myself thinking bitter thoughts when people come into the shop sometimes.. "Just fuck off!", "How dare you come into my shop!", "What do you want..?" - of course I do not voice these things. It's really unhealthy, this job. It's lonely. It's boring. It's not productive. I feel like I'm down in the backwaters of southern wollongong missing out on my youth. I fucking hate it.

But the problem really is that it makes me so tired. Boredom is incredibly tiring. And not in the good way like a hard day's work is. You know when you finish the day and your body is sore, and you have a beer and feel fantastic. This is a dark, sneaky kind of tired. It makes your eyes feel heavy. It makes your brain feel confused. It makes my mind feel like it's sitting in a dark room all day watching day time television, not even attempting to be a part of the world.

Yeah well enough from me.. could be worse.