Unstructured Thoughts and Observations

Troubled Times

2006-04-21T11:05:00.000+10:00

i watched a spectacular avian dance
over a busy highway road,
as the troubles of the world
lay heavy in my mind.

in the age of wars, freedom is a rhetoric
and the darkness of night is unforgiving.

i danced to the sound of strings and wind,
in a place of love and expression.
but soon the music ceased to play
and i knew the dream was over.

oh troubled times are these
when the mother is aching, and the people are unsure.
oh how these days are ever shorter
and the joys of life are overshadowed.

in the cold city streets i walked
quickly and in fear,
never greeting a person to talk
and never stopping to rest.

in the age of power there are many without
and the speed of life is a dangerous thing.

but i will welcome the sun on my back
and cherish the warm love of my friends,
i'll take solice in the fleeting moments
of happiness and freedom and peace.

oh troubled times are these
but still the beauty moves me more,
and the power in all that is real and good
will carry me through my days.

Disposable Workforce

2006-04-09T13:37:00.000+10:00

Howard's new IR laws are consitant with the relentless drive to deregulate and disempower the workers of Australia for the purpose of corporate freedom. These laws are one more step in 'the great' push for a globalised economy where what matters is corporate power and profit, and the rights and security of the people mean very little. In an already fast-casualising workforce, the youth of this country see very little hope for secure fulltime work - particularly in trades and 'unskilled' jobs. Add to this budget cuts in education and welfare and we see a scary pattern developing: The Disposable Workforce. -- I'm 21 years old, afraid for my future and very angry at a government who cares less and less about us and more about the dollar. Not happy John.

The Endless Noise

2006-03-07T15:31:00.000+11:00

It is an ever-moving organism of opposing directions. The sounds I hear are rubber on tar, engines firing, horns, tyres screaching, sirens, exhaust breaks and, occasionally, a thumping car stereo. All this mixes together to form the broken song of the highway. Broken but never silent. I try to ignore it - I have the radio on and the fan next to my desk. But after a time I find these things are not particularly soothing. Indeed they are simply constant sounds to remind me there is no break of noise here. There is no silence. Ever.

I walk out into the hot sun and to the edge of the road for a break and a cigarette. I do this perhaps five times a day. It's much louder out here, for the glass window pains of the shopfront do not separate me from it. It seems that every time a truck goes by, another goes by in the opposite direction, and then another. It's when the trucks go by that I feel most aggrivated.

So I stand here looking at the highway and all the vehicles moving at speed to wherever their occupants are going. The windows are generally closed and reflective, so that I don't see the people inside. Sometimes I toy with the fantasy that there are no people inside and that the vehicles themselves are alive. Fuel is food. The engine is the heart. Exhaust is waste. Where are they all going? How could so many people be moving in opposite directions all at once - all the time? And why?

For a breif moment there is an absence of traffic and I hear a bird call - I feel a slight breeze on my face. I think about how different it would be if all of the people were walking past me instead. I imagine an old dusty road with travellers and farmers and merchants. I wonder what stories they would tell when they stopped to greet me. I curtail this pipe dream when the traffic resumes three fold and I suddenly long for silence.

I walk along a stretch of this highway twice a day, and my place of work is on it. It is a constant manifestation of the grinding cogs of an industrial world that frees and yet oppresses us. When the sun is hot and the traffic does not cease and all you want is peace and quiet it makes you think: this is about one kilometre of highway. Consider the city, the state, the nation, the planet. Consider then industry, aeroplanes, mining and the great machines of deforestation.

I can go anywhere. I could drive to Sydney in an hour. I could fly across the world in less than a day. But all I want is peace and quiet. Some shade from the hot sun.. the sound of bird calls in the trees, insects buzzing around the flowers. The feel of the earth and grass underneath me. My water from a creek. My food cooked over a fire. Nowhere to be - no responsibilities but to survive.

But I cannot have these things. Yes I can go camping - I could take a holiday. But eventually I must return to the "real world". I must sleep in my bed, set my alarm and go back to work. It seems to me when I think of these things, that there is a profoundly un-natural order to humanity. Planet Earth is no longer our home. It has been concreted over with roads and factories and houses and air strips, football fields and office blocks, to the extent that we have built an artificial planet on top of the old one. The patches of the natural earth that are left are like parks for us. They are places we can go when on holiday and look at the native animals who still live on the land.

There is a yearning inside me that needs the highway to stop moving. A struggle between the freedom and the oppression of the world. Of all the peoples of the world - and maybe those of us who have come the furthest in this "brave new world" are indeed the furthest away from home.

What's going on?

2006-03-02T09:04:00.000+11:00

I know, I've been very slack with this blog lately. In fact, I've pretty much abstained from it for a couple of weeks. But I'm back..

There is a certain barrier inhibiting us from the level of happiness that we want to be at. It certainly isn't a barrier between us, or a relationship issue. I should say there are certain barriers. Individual contraints. Cara is feeling a little bit lost, in that she is not sure what she's doing with her life. I am feeling sick of this job. We are both over being broke. And I feel a routine of these symptoms is cause for concern.

I'm very much looking forward to my lease ending. I'm sick of paying rent for a place on my own, particularly now that I'm not really even living there. May. Then it's likely that I will move in with Cara, or if not I will find a share house. I want to shake this job big time. I've been trying to get a job at Stella call centre. It's directory assistance. It's in Wollongong and I can work nights or afternoons or day or whatever. Still waiting for someone to call me back about that.

A fleeting proposal to travel. A realisation that we have nothing to lose. But we are both locked into leases and I don't think we had strong enough intentions. So I am going to reassume my plan of going to Uni. Thinking about it now though I'm not sure how possible that is going to be. See, I have to do a part time bridging course to finish my HSC. I'm not going to get full Youth Allowance for that because it's not full time study. I should go see centrelink and see how much I am elligable for. And what if I cant find a suitable part time job to suppliment? That's kind of where the idea for travel came from. I thought maybe we could go up to QLD for six months and work, then I could save some money and come back and start next year. I dunno I need to look into it more. I think I am pretty keen on starting UNI ASAP though.

I am very unsure of the future.
what will the next metamorphysis be?
when one thing is accomplished,
there must be something new to persue.

I am worried a little about myself. My head has been so full of the thoughts of my reading lately that I feel I have lost a little of my humanity. I feel I am always a little on edge. I feel a little cynical. Slightly too close to being prepared to neglect my friends. A little absorbed? Do we trade innocense for this kind of knowledge? Do we trade time for it?

I dont know. Let the currents of life decide, for they have not failed to enrich my life thus far.

ok. peace.. - dan

Quick visit

2006-02-21T15:08:00.000+11:00

Ello people, just popping in very quickly to put some links here that I want to remember. Sorry I haven't been posting but I have been busy reading. Hard core lots of reading. Am in the process of starting my own activist/informative blog for my own research purposes. Anyway, I will update this blog soon.. when I feel like writing about my own life again...

dahrjamail.com, zmag.org, antiwar.com, truthout.org, indymedia.org.uk, internationalclearinghouse.info, counterpunch.org, voicesuk.org, greenleft.org.au, venezuelanalysis.com, resistance.org.au

Night swimming

2006-02-14T13:54:00.000+11:00

Spontanaety is a wonderful thing. Last night Cara and I were sitting on the couch watching tv when we decided we would go for a walk to the beach. We grabbed a couple of towels and started walking. It was relatively cold and lightly raining. Being susceptable to getting the chills easily in water, I was a little apprehensive. We got down there and the beach was illuminated by the full moon (even though it was cloudy), or perhaps moreso the steel works of Port Kembla. We stripped off to the nud and jumped in the ocean. It was absolutely beautiful. The water was warmer than the air and the waves were calm. It felt great to be in there. It's a different thing at night.. something that I've never experienced. No one around, it's quiet and peaceful.

Today is valentines day. As much as I hate commercial "days" I am going to take Carz out for dinner tonight.

Happy Happy Joy Joy thwack!

2006-02-09T09:41:00.000+11:00

Well, it's been a few weeks now so I think I can safely say that I'm in a relationship with the most beautiful, lovely girl in the world, Cara. I'm happy. There is a big difference with her compared to the other relationships I've had. That is, I know this is right. It feels right. There are no doubts in my mind. I thought about the relationships I've had in the past and realised that all of them have started instantly without knowing the person first. All of them! This is different, because we've known eachother as good friends for almost a year. We've learned about eachothers ideals and beliefs, personalities and habbits, even families.
"Shirly, it's so exciting to be sleeping here in this new room.." - Billy Bragg

Now I have a few things to catch up on:

Liams birthday, 26th of January -

Kristy & Connor, Cara and I headed up to Wottamalla in the nation park for Liams 23rd birthday. It's one of those ocean inlet type deals where you've got a beach separating the ocean and an inlet, or is it a river? I don't know. But regardless of the technical details it's a right wickid spot yeah? Lots of Liams friends came, we had food and wine and guitar and swimming and sunburn... hehe good times.

Something I thought was really cool.. there were a group of Africans, maybe 50 of them. They had a big stereo set up and were dancing on the sand. Was very cool to see and other people were getting involved too. Being Australia Day (Invasion Day) they played the anthem couple of times which was a bit hows ya father but everyone was very peaceful and it was very multicultural up there on that particular day.

The only other thing I can think of writing down at the moment is that Kristy, Cara and I went up to the blue mountains to Liam's place on the weekend just past and had heaps of crazy fun, drinking, playing cards and table tennis. We went canyoning on Monday which was awesome. Did empress again but I handled it like a pro this time. Cara really enjoyed it too. She was very brave and I'm proud of her for abseiling down a 40m waterfall!

Right.... I'm going for a ciggie now, peace - dan

Get your voices ready

2006-02-07T09:06:00.000+11:00

USA defence secretary Donald Rumsfeld has told a German newspaper that "All options, including the military one, are on the table", in relation to Iran. It seems qutie obvious to me, that as long as the Bush administration is in power, this is inevitable. Iran will be the next country invaded by the US. The reason? Iran is restarting their nuclear program. They are building more centrifuges to enrich uranium. Iran claims it is for nuclear power and research. The USA says they are going to build nuclear weapons. The USA says that Iran is one of the biggest terroist sponsoring nations in the world. The USA says that the terroist organisations are seeking nuclear weapons... Is it just me or is this world FUCKING PARANOID?!

Now I don't want Iran to have nuclear weapons. So if that's their real agenda I agree they shouldn't be enriching uranium. But then again I don't want the USA to have nuclear weapons either. In fact, I don't want ANY nuclear weapons to exist on this planet. EVER. What I do have a problem with is the lack of ethics in all of this. The united states has a wicked arsenal of nuclear weapons. Now there have been several NPT's (Nuclear Proliferation Treaties) since world war 2 to prevent nukes from being used again. One was to deplete nuclear arsenals. One was to not develop any more nukes. One was to ban testing of nukes etc.. The united states (and some other nations) have either pulled out of certain treaties or not adheared to them.

The USA has told the UN to stay out of their nuclear affairs and yet when another nation gives the UN Security Council greif, the USA starts talking about going to war with them! Now whether or not these countries DO have nuclear ability, I don't believe the USA has the right.

So get your voices ready. Within the next few years there will probably be another war. Another massive drain on economic resources. Another humanitarian disaster. Another violation of international law. Another step down the road of greed, fear and power. This time we who believe in peace and justice, need to be heard.

Sources:
http://www.news.com.au/story/0,10117,18066756-401,00.html - News article from www.news.com.au Feb 7 2006

Information about Nuclear weapons and Arms Control on www.globalissues.org

Peace - dan

The ugliness of human behaviour

2006-02-04T10:34:00.000+11:00

Last night after a few wines and a movie with friends, we were out on the balcony having a smoke when I heard what sounded like a guy arguing with his girlfriend over the phone in a flat upstairs. Lots of heated swearing and yelling. After a while I realised it wasn't over the phone when I heard the girl crying. It soon turned nasty. The guy was getting hysterical, and from what I heard I'm sure he hit her, and raped her. I called the cops, but doubt they would have been there in time to do anything.

Why do we treat each other so badly? What makes a person go that far? It was almost like he was getting off on it. There were times when he was laughing a horrible deranged laugh. It really made me angry and upset. I know this kind of thing happens every day, everywhere. But when you witness it, it makes you realise... it hits home. Domestic violence is such a horrible thing. And anyone can be involved, people you respect or think are great people. It's a scary thing.

UGH.. fucking wanker.

Anyway, on a positive note: We are going to the blue mountains tonight to Liam's to have some fun and get out into the bush tomorrow. Should be good.

Until next time..

peace, love, compassion

Bush: You're a dangerous joke.

2006-02-02T13:26:00.000+11:00

Here is a link to George Bush's State of the Union address: http://www.gop.com/News/Read.aspx?ID=6096

Read it. It's funny.

Some things I want to comment on..

"We show compassion abroad because Americans believe in the God-given dignity and worth of a villager with HIV/AIDS, or an infant with malaria, or a refugee fleeing genocide, or a young girl sold into slavery."

How exactly is America helping developing nations with problems like HIV and Malaria when the pharmasuetical giants are keeping medicine prices out of reach and thwarting cheaper producers with patenting laws and threats to governments of capital flight?

"We also show compassion abroad because regions overwhelmed by poverty, corruption, and despair are sources of terrorism, organized crime, human trafficking, and the drug trade. "

Compassion? When the Wold Bank imposes Structual Adjustment Policies on developing nations for loans, causing those nations to cut spending on health care, welfare, education etc. it's no wonder they become social cesspools of corruption. And when America tells you how much aid it gives the third world, it fails to inform us of the consequences to those countries.

As a point of interest, it also fails to tell you that foreign aid is less than 1 percent of what is spent on weapons anually.

"Ultimately, the only way to defeat the terrorists is to defeat their dark vision of hatred and fear by offering the hopeful alternative of political freedom and peaceful change. So the United States of America supports democratic reform across the broader Middle East."

And isn't it convienient that by democritising the middle east, America paves the way for opening up more free markets so that these countries can be exploited, and access to their resources granted?

"And tonight, let me speak directly to the citizens of Iran: America respects you, and we respect your country. We respect your right to choose your own future and win your own freedom. And our Nation hopes one day to be the closest of friends with a free and democratic Iran. "

Could Bush be hinting that once done in Iraq they might just go and do the exact same thing in Iran? Well they've got a pretty good alibi don't they?? Iran is building nuclear weapons!! Get 'em!

"we have reduced the growth of non-security discretionary spending – and last year you passed bills that cut this spending. This year my budget will cut it again, and reduce or eliminate more than 140 programs that are performing poorly or not fulfilling essential priorities."

- so we can spend more money on wars, keeping your children over seas in danger longer, so that we can shape the world in our image, and gain the things we want from the middle east and other places.

"Keeping America competitive requires affordable energy. Here we have a serious problem: America is addicted to oil, which is often imported from unstable parts of the world.

....Breakthroughs on this and other new technologies will help us reach another great goal: to replace more than 75 percent of our oil imports from the Middle East by 2025. By applying the talent and technology of America, this country can dramatically improve our environment … move beyond a petroleum-based economy … and make our dependence on Middle Eastern oil a thing of the past."

What a joke. Anyone who knows anything about global economics and the Bush administration will realise that what he says here is a blatent lie.

Edit: America imports only 20% of it's oil from the middle east. So even if it was true (highly doubtful) that America wants to cut out middle eastern oil, it wouldn't mean the end of oil in America. It would just mean covering that 20% from somewhere else.

"... many Americans, especially parents, still have deep concerns about the direction of our culture, and the health of our most basic institutions. They are concerned about unethical conduct by public officials, and discouraged by activist courts that try to redefine marriage. "

How can someone who proclaims to believe in human rights, liberal values and person freedom be so opposed to gay marriage and things like abortion?

-------

There are a lot more things I would like to comment on. Just read the speech.. A trivial point: He starts six paragraphs with "A hopeful society".

I just can't believe that so many people can't use their brains to think for themselves and just suck in all the shit they see in the media and listen to speeches like this and go "yeah he's great he knows what he's talking about". Somethings gotta give.

Appreciate your fortunate life

2006-01-31T12:46:00.000+11:00

when i look for peace,
i find it in many places.
in the western sky,
or a quiet forest.

when i seek comfort,
i need not venture far.
it is my back against a tree,
and the strings of my guitar.

if i feel despair,
it is only fleeting.
my heart gives me hope,
and my peers pick me up.

when there is darkness,
i shine from within.
the soul will heal,
if i believe it can.

but when the weight of this fragile world
falls upon me in my despair, how will i cope?
will i thrash and cry out, as i fall to earth?

could some deviate take away my purity,
leaving me to choke on the carbon air?
would i end up wandering a concrete jungle,
confused and drugged, with nowhere to turn?

is there a threshold of innocence,
that once crossed is the end of normailty,
and how easy would it be to lose my sanity?

when i consider the ugliness,
the darkness and the grit of immorality
i wonder..

i think about the ups and downs of my life.
how far down have i been,
and how far down can i still go?

i only hope that if a times comes
that i am in utter darkness and lost,
that i can be strong enough
to carry that weight.

Fear of the Ocean

2006-01-24T13:21:00.000+11:00

i stood facing the waves,
and they consumed me violently.
i took bets with bad odds,
and i lost.

i walked in a dream,
confused and bewildered.
i felt the sting of jelousy,
and the pain of regret.

and in the waves i spun,
and for the water i was blind,
and as i made my way to shore,
i decided not to go back in.

then with unspoken words,
you coaxed me back in.
you held me afloat,
and taught me to swim.

and now i'm beginning to believe,
in love, in truth,
and most of all in you.

The good times

2006-01-24T09:05:00.000+11:00

We are quiet now. It's late.. Your body is warm as I gently trace the curves with my fingers. I have to sleep, but how can I? I turn over face the other way. Your hand is on my hip and I can feel your breath on the back of my neck. I'm not used to this - I won't sleep tonight. It's a sacrifice I'm happy to make.

It's been a good three days. Dinner with mumsy and the siblings on Saturday was great. Jumped on the train up to Redfern after work feeling very tired - what's new? Managed to sleep a little on the way up, but the real sleep came at mum's on saturday night. Didn't get out of bed till 11am sunday. Gotta love a sleep in. Emma you are a fucken wiz in the kitchen darl (and kudos to Josh too). Tempura vegetables, marinated skewers and my fav was the chicken and sun dried tomato cus cus. Hells yeah. Got to playing some guitar and singing some tunes later on, but wasn't too late a night which was good.

Wild horses couldn't drag me away.

Sunday night was Grace's 21st birthday party. Was a little apprehensive because I didn't think there would be many people there I knew. Turns out there were quite a few people I knew - the rusty's girls, some common harp friends, Grace's ex flatty's and their boyfriends etc. So had plenty of people to chat to. Grace's dad's band had a great set up. They walled three sides of the car port, had their banner hanging up and had all the stacks and mixing done as if it were a professional show. They did two sets and rocked the joint - mixing was very good. There was a slide show presentation of photos of Grace which was very funny, and very well done. Lots of food. Lots of grog - got relatively drunk.

Last night is ours for the keeping, and not for the telling.

I'm extremely tired today. I would have got literally 2 hours sleep at best last night. But I'm very happy.

Just thinking out loud..

2006-01-21T10:34:00.000+11:00

Things to look forward to

National Folk Festival in April
University
The next big change (whatever it may be)

Things that need a little work

My job
Eating habbits
Chemical intake
Need to sleep more - big time..

Am I satisfied with my life at the moment? Well kind of. Parts of it. I have some good friends, and generally enjoy myself through the week. I have good relationships with my family. I have a roof over my head and my bills get paid (just). I like wollongong. But there's a few things I want to change as well. My job, the amount of rent I'm paying, I'd like to be healthier. I suppose I'm starting to move in the right direction, just very slowly. It will be really interesting to see what this year brings for me..

Fatigue and boredom

2006-01-19T09:06:00.000+11:00

Today I am fragile. I don't like this unnatural feeling of awakeness. Caffeine. I didn't even fall asleep on the train this morning. A bad sign, considering I would have been lucky to get 4 hours sleep last night. I'm worried about my weight: I'm certainly not gaining any. Sometimes I think that I will just fade away into nothing, or float up into the sky and disappear into space.

This job makes me so tired. I get up at 6 am and get home at 6:30 pm. In that time I spend most of the day in front of this computer screen on my own. It's like I'm becoming this disgruntled shop keeper. Kinda like Bernard from Black Books. I find myself thinking bitter thoughts when people come into the shop sometimes.. "Just fuck off!", "How dare you come into my shop!", "What do you want..?" - of course I do not voice these things. It's really unhealthy, this job. It's lonely. It's boring. It's not productive. I feel like I'm down in the backwaters of southern wollongong missing out on my youth. I fucking hate it.

But the problem really is that it makes me so tired. Boredom is incredibly tiring. And not in the good way like a hard day's work is. You know when you finish the day and your body is sore, and you have a beer and feel fantastic. This is a dark, sneaky kind of tired. It makes your eyes feel heavy. It makes your brain feel confused. It makes my mind feel like it's sitting in a dark room all day watching day time television, not even attempting to be a part of the world.

Yeah well enough from me.. could be worse.

And it changed me

2006-01-18T15:08:00.000+11:00

beautiful, wise old tree as i lean against you,
tell me the story of a time before me.
tell of the creatures, strange and small
who have called you home.

tell me of the earth your feet are so deep inside,
and of the clean blue skies you would reach toward.
what did you see up there before we came?

ancient, old tree, as i rest in your comforting limbs..
tell me of the warm summer days, bustling with excitement.
tell me of the cicarders' deafening roar,
and of the sparrows new chicks.

show me the early sunrise as the light shimmers on the quiet river,
when the first bird calls the signal of daybreak.
tell me of the calm dusk when the animals seek shelter from the night,
and the frogs and crickets begin their choir.

oh tree, tell me of the hot storms - rolling thunder across the mountains,
the great lightning to ignite the sky, and the soaking rain to cleanse and drink.
tell me of a world where time had no meaning. the seasons would come and go,and your sisters would fall and grow in the endless circle of life.

loving, old tree as i press my cheek against you,
tell me your woes.
tell of the creatures, straight and tall
who have forgotten about you.

tell me of the cold blade of an axe,
and the smoke of a fire burning as hot as the sun.
what could you do when we came?

dearest, old tree, when i feel your warm life..
tell me of the indifference of man,
those creatures of destruction,
with no heart and no soul.

tell me of the lonely years after your sisters were slain,
and their bodies were used for his selfish comforts.
and all the animals who once called you home perished in their wake.
tell me of them.

oh poor, old tree trapped in the dirty city streets
where the sacredness of the earth has been shamed again and again,
tell me of the land that is barren and wasted.
show me the darkness of the tainted sky.

oh tree. take me back to a place without time.
when in the night there was quiet and science was still magic.
take me to a place where i could run forever and still be under your shade.
take me to a time before your sisters were slain.
before our mother was raped.
when all things existed in innocence and harmony and the earth was perfect.

-----

One sunny day when you have nothing to do, go and climb a tree. Put your arms around it and feel it's energy. Touch it and put your ear against it's bark. Feel the joy and the sorrow - if this doesn't make you want to cry, you're just not listening.

Cara taught me something profound on saturday night when we were out on the town. It was a great night and I wanted to write a lot about it, but this was more special than anything else and I had to write it down.

The power of chemistry

2006-01-14T09:38:00.000+11:00

I'm surrounded by people who are unhappy. Why do we stay in relationships that are obviously causing an unsatisfactory state of wellbeing? Why are people so desparate to hold on to a failing relationship? Why do we deny to ourselves happiness? I just don't get it.. I've been watching people around me getting so upset by emotional crisis within their relationships. I see people making illogical and irrational decisions because their emotional levels are so high. And a lot of the time it's all down to self pity and self indulgence. Do we try to convey a message to others by acting in ways that endanger ourselves or doing and saying things that hurt others out of spite.. feeling sorry for ourselves even though WE did something wrong. Why are people the way they are?

Chemistry and chemical addiction. Not drugs. The predicament of being addicted to certain chemicals that the body produces in times of emotion. Angst in teenagers is probably the most obvious demonstrator of this. When I was younger, I spent all my time revelling in my dark melancholly. And I loved it - I loved being unhappy. You could even say being unhappy made me happy. So when someone gets highly emotional the body reacts in strange ways. If a couple has a heated fight you are naturally going to get adrenalin. Adrenalin feels good doesn't it? That's why we sky dive, go on rollercoasters etc. That's one example of why we might do things that upset us, or repeat mistakes over and over. Because we want access to those hormones and chemicals that feel so bad and yet so good.

Anyway I was just thinking about it so thought I'd write it down for other's to consider too.

Here's a positive news story: http://www.news.com.au/story/0,10117,17815528-28097,00.html

The story is basically saying that western australian police will now include in their uniforms head turbans, hijabs and other religious apparel. This is gonna cause a lot of turbulence in the general public, I think. You already have a shit load of people who want the wearing of these things banned for general citizens! Imagine how they will feel if the police are wearing turbans etc. I think it's fantastic. We should all respect one another and the fact that this is multicultural country. No one owns it and if muslims and sheiks are going to be held back from contributing to the country as police because they have to wear leather shoes, or remove the head dress, then the uniforms should be amended. Well done W.A

On another note, I went and saw Shihad the other night and got rediculously drunk because I hadn't eaten anything and was really tired. Ended up trying to talk politics and literally couldn't form sentences. Well at least I didn't do anything offensive or stupid. But I will definitely not drink again like that on an empty stomach.

Peace.

Tired but inspired

2006-01-12T10:11:00.000+11:00

Today I am extremely tired. Last night I went out, didn't drink much but didn't get to bed until 1am this morning. Up at 6 so I was lucky if I got 4 and a half hours sleep. Ugh. I'm on my third coffee and I think there will be a few more before the end of today.

Tonight I am going to Sussex to see Shihad. Completely spontaineous.. Cara called me up yesterday and asked if I wanted to go. It's $15 and I'm down to my last $25. So after the train ticket and concert ticket I will be able to afford one beer. Yay but oh well.

My uni information came in yesterday. I will be applying for the University Access Program soon. That starts in June so I have a while to go before then but finally I have something to aim for! Very excited. I have been reading a fantastic website that I think anyone interested in global issues such as poverty, politics, corporate globalisation etc. should have a look at. It is called (funnily enough) www.globalissues.org - extremely informative and well written.

Something I wrote on the train to work this morning after reading some things on the metioned website..

It is a profound shock to learn that you belong to a nation that is partly responsible for many of the world's problems, such as poverty and hunger. However, with this in mind, it is a wonderful discovery to understand that that also means you belong to a nation that has the power to solve the problems it creates.

And the finger shall be my own..

2006-01-10T15:45:00.000+11:00

Ok two posts in one day I know it's a little overboard but I'm at work and I'm bored. So if you read my previous post you will know I am feeling a little stuck in a rut at the moment. Well I did a couple of things today that have made me feel better already.

I wrote some stuff down. Then I went online and looked at the University of Wollongong website. I found a course that looks interesting .. Bachelor of Arts - Sociology and called the Uni to find out what I have to do. Come May I will be mature age student. In June there is a course run at the Uni called "University Access Program" or something. Basically it's a 14 week part time course that will give me the equivilant of a UAI and if I do well enough get me into a BOA.

They are going to send me some info and I'm going to commit myself to this and not cop out or get distracted. I'm going to enroll as early as I can and sort myself out so I will be able to study (finacially). That's provided I get the info and everything looks good.. and no better offers come up before then.

My long lost pal Grace called me and invited me to her 21st also. It seems to happen that when I force a shift in my attitude or be proactive about something, I get rewarded. How life is interesting...

----

I control my own life. I make my own decisions. I can do anything I want to do. If I am not happy with my life, it is my OWN fault. For we are capable of any fundamental change. It may require letting go of one thing, or changing in a way that scares us. But in reality, you can change everything in your life if you want to.

What do I want?
I want my mind and emotions to be stimulated every day.
I want to use my time meaningfully.
I want to establish a better, more satisfying sense of self.
I want to enjoy my life on a daily basis.
I want to maintain and enjoy good friendships/relationships.
I want to use my creativity more.
I want to be the best I can be.. for myself and for those I love.

Point me in the right direction...

2006-01-10T09:10:00.000+11:00

I'm floating on a river. I no longer feel cold and anxious - I feel numb and tired. I'm dancing on the edge of the mundane. I'm really scared of having my life slip away in tedium. I feel like I've been climbing a cliff all my life until this point, and now I've reached the top, looked around and said "Well what now?"

There are things going on that make my life good, interesting and exciting, but I'm really beginning to think it's time to start moving. There is an endless world of opportunity and possibility. I don't want to wind up a lonely wino, living alone, working a shit job and singing karaoke at age 30. Fuck.

I want to be inspired. I want to look forward to everyday. I want to learn something useful everyday. I want to be excited. I don't want to wake up feeling run down and hating the fact that I have to go to work. I want life to be continually changing and growing. I don't want routine. I want chaos. I want to LIVE.. OH why won't you let me LIVE!?

Yes well anyway what am I going to do about it? This was my new years resolution and I haven't even given it any thought yet (I'm only 10 days late I spose). So I need to put pen to paper.. do some research and sort some things out. I want to find something to aim for.. some kind of direction. I'm in my 20's now. It's a new period of life. I'm not going to squander any more. Time to get fucking serious.

I finally watched the DVD "What the Bleep do We Know" (www.whatthebleep.com), L gave to me for xmas. It was pretty interesting. Made me think a lot of my theories about everything are correct and sort of reinforced the fact that I AM the master of my destiny and lately I've just been to lazy to do anything about it. It's too easy to fall into a society that tells you what to do and how to live. You basically switch off your right to make your own decisions and get what you're given. Well bugger that. I'm tired of being a robot.

Enough ranting and raving.. I haven't written much in the last week. I'm going trough one of those stages where I just couldn't be bothered. I'll leave you with one thing I did write.

All we own is what cannot be taken from us: our body, mind, heart and soul. It is a fool who trades these things for gold and things. For all that we see and touch is ultimately the Earth's, and in the end, She will take them back.

The New Year

2006-01-08T11:56:00.000+11:00

Do we really as humans have the right to number the year? Are we so vain that we believe that we control time for all species, planets and systems? Well I suppose we need some kind of annual redemption.

I personally had a very mixed New Years Eve. On the one hand it was fantastic and probably the best yet. However, it was tainted slightly by too much alcohol by some people around me. I did not get drunk on new years eve. I got off my head on some $30 biscuits.

A post, present-tense version of events ............

I'm starting with three beers, a guitar and a pack of cigarettes. Weary from the nothingness that is my work, i'm only moderately excited but there are two white bickies in my wallet with love hearts on them - how appropriate. We number only five thus far but more will join us at the ox.
People are buzzing in and out of the house, selling/buying and sorting out their plans for New Years Eve 2005.

At this stage in the night there is absolutely no telling what will happen. I get a message from my K, "if you're going to have happy pills I will too", she says. It's on like Donky Kong, baby. We sing some Billy Bragg and consider the fact that it's been another SHIT HOUSE year for politics.

With the last sip of my third beer, me and C in the kitchen down a bicky each. We are out the door and already feeling way more optimistic because in a short while I'm hopefully going to be on cloud 9, despite being tired and a little flat. C does my makeup: silver glitter eyes, black liner and mascara. I feel liberated and happy to be looking pretty and all I get is positive feedback. It's 8:15, the pub is pretty dead... but there's a free pool table and some good tunes on the juke box. Still early.. 80's machine is playing tonight. Very excited.

Warm. Tingles in hands, legs and face. Heart rate increases. The sound of the jukebox begins to change and all of a sudden the dirty, grey blanket of monotony that I forgot even existed falls down at my feet to reveal a beautiful scene. Beautiful people, beautiful music. People happy that a year is ending and a new one is beginning. People living together in harmony and loving one another. I look into C's eyes and she looks into mine and we know it has begun. No feelings are felt alone now.. everything is shared by those on the same level. An irripressible smile on my face as I begin to move just because it feels good to be alive!

I focus on the pool game and hit some great shots. High five to M great shot! My songs come up on the jukebox, Yesterdays by Gunners (appropriate no?), the others I have fogotten now. K and R arrive and they look incredible! Beautifully, stunningly radiating. Big hugs and kisses. One of the support acts has started.. they have an awesome sound.. very thick lead guitar with a chick busting up the vocals and my god she's beautiful. Turns out later M and C will both get a kiss from her and I will order a beer standing right beside her and not even realise. Well thems the breaks.

The convesations and the love shared between my friends and I are what makes this a great night. With the end of a year that has held many sleepless nights and heartache for me I decide to forgive and forget. To say sorry and to mean it. To finally and truely acknowledge the year as one of joy despite the diffuculty of the lessons I learned. I tell K how much I love her and we spend a lot of time in each others arms. The love of true friendship - of having dragged each other through mud and dust and then gently washed the dirt and blood with warm affection.

I'm buzzing and I still have a half to go. I frequently come back from the toilet or the bar and ramble off a whole bunch of shit that seems to be working because several times I have everyone in hysterics. Soon 80's machine is on and we are all dancing to the Final Countdown 3 minutes before midnight. At the end of the song they conduct the count and the pub errupts.

I kiss and hug everyone I know. We feel the weight of the the things we have been carrying on our shoulders drop to the ground, if only momentarily. We let go of every inhabition and every silly, little niggling thought that keeps us awake at night. We forget those who have hurt us and those we have hurt. We exist, for a few sweet moments, in a world where nothing matters anymore. Happiness like this only comes once or twice a year. Freedom, love and peace...

The night kind of falls apart from here. Drink spiking, drunk friends, back at the house, people lying around smoking crack and people I don't know. Lots of shit that I won't go into detail with because I don't particularly wan't to remember new years for that. It wasn't particularly horrible, for instance I more or less laugh at it now. And certainly nothing I feel ashamed of.. other people would though.

But as the morning moves closer to day, and I'm coming down hard already, I just want to crawl up into a ball in a safe place. It's a party that goes too far. It's a drink too many for most. It's lying in the gutter on the first day of the year that they wanted to make better, in a dark twist of irony.

Not me. I was good. I mended rifts. I made people feel good. I made people laugh. I helped people. And as 2004 was better than 2003, and 2005 was better than 2004. 2006 will be better again. And I will have heartache, loneliness, joy, sadness, love and pain this year. And I will get that little bit wiser. I will get a little older. A little softer and a little harder. My life is a continuum of experience that moves me like the waves of the sea. I am the observer and I love it. So bring it on.

Hello world!

2005-12-31T12:27:00.000+11:00

Ello .. I used to have an online journal. But in those days there weren't these 'blog' things that were accessable to the masses. Now it seems as though internet pioneers like myself have gone all corporate style and every man and his dog has a blog. And with total irony I am now starting my very own blog. Some one has done all the hardwork for me by coding the website and all I have to do is upload my entries. What?? No maintanence... No coding? Cool.

The main reason I have decided to do this is because I just read my sisters' blogs and really liked them. Lots of insights into the parts of our lives that aren't spoken about freely. But we can communicate those deep dark thoughts in text and even if no one reads this, I am still getting some stuff out there.

I will mainly be using this space to post my creative writings. There will be journal entries as well of course. So um.. without further delay.. here's a poem I wrote the other day.

By the by.. I would like lots of comments on my writings. Bare in mind that when I write it is often very late at night and I am tired or possibly drunk. The words generally spew forth with no care given to structure or technical correctness. I simply write as I think and therefore it's a little messy. But hopefully you will get my meaning....

stepping closer to the edge
I'm beginning to open my eyes
to peer once again
into the dangerous sea of love

denied to feel for fear of pain
afraid to fall that far again
could you free this hiding heart
and what would be the cost?

there's a light ahead
and I'm curiously but cautiously drawn
watching my footing on the rocks
edging closer and closer

I want to be in that sea
being moved this way and that
the thrill of it affecting me
like it used to do

holding my hand
walk me to the edge
touch the scars on me
and tell me it's safe

there's a path ahead
connecting me to my youth
the place where I was unmarked by this fear
the only barrier left now is me

so hold my hand
walk me through the trees
kiss the scars on me
and tell me it's safe to go back in